This is a discussion on the Military/War Jokes Thread! within the Intros & Off Topic forum, part of the Global Defense & Military category; I figured I'd try to bring some levity to the Defence Talk forums by starting a military/war/service jokes and humor ...
I figured I'd try to bring some levity to the Defence Talk forums by starting a military/war/service jokes and humor thread. Try to keep them clean though!
Post your best ones. I'll start off with one of my favorites
Two Soviet generals are strolling through the Champs-Elysees. One turns to the other and asks, "So who won the air war?"
A little boy and his father are listening to the Fuhrer's speech on the radio as Germany declares war on the USA. The boy asks his father where the USA is. The father takes down a globe and runs his hand across the USA, saying "All of this area of North America, son".
The boy looks at the globe and asks "and where is the British Empire?". The father indicates Britain, Canada, South Africa, Australia, New Zealand, and India on the globe.
"I see", said the boy. "And where is Russia?" The father showed him the sprawling mass of the USSR on the globe. The boy's eyebrows furrowed with concentration.
"And where is Germany?", he asks. His father points at the area of central Europe where the Reich is located. The boy looks very concerned and says "Dad, has Hitler seen this?"
3rd ss panzer division , they fought strong and fast with less tanks and men then any of the allies
The ss totenkopfverbande was the camp guards , which i would never use as a name im not racist or a skin head. The SS totenkopf is the 3rd ss panzer division and has nothing to do with the sick crimes the totenkofverbande did..
Last edited by OPSSG; August 20th, 2011 at 01:54 PM.
Thank you for calling the British Army. I'm sorry, but all of our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organisation, the region, the specifics of the crisis and a number at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Afghanistan, Northern Ireland, the Millennium Bug, marching up and down bits of tarmac in London and compulsory Equal Opportunities training we will return your call.
Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please listen to the following:
If your crisis is small and close to the sea, Press 1 for Royal Marines.
If your concern is distant, with tropical climate and good hotels, and can be solved by 1 or 2 low risk bombing runs, please Press 'hash' for the Royal Air Force. (Please note that this service is not available after 1630hrs or at the weekend).
If your enquiry concerns a situation that can be resolved by a bit of grey funnel, bunting flags and a really good marching band, please write well in advance to 'The First Sea Lord, The Admiralty, Whitehall'.
If your enquiry is not urgent, Press 2 for the Allied Rapid Reaction Corps.
If you are in real, hot trouble please Press 3 and your call will be routed to Sandline International (mercenary services).
If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, put your wife and family in a condemned hut miles from civilization, and are prepared to work your arse off daily, risking life and limb in all weathers and terrain, both day and night whilst watching the Treasury eroding your original terms and conditions of service, the please stay on the line... Your call will shortly be connected to a bitter passed-over Recruiting Sergeant in a grotty shop down by the railway station.
Have a pleasant day and thank you again for trying to contact the British Army.''
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Be loyal to Bangladesh no matter what. We have given blood to earn our freedom and will give more to protect it!
The ss totenkopfverbande was the camp guards , which i would never use as a name im not racist or a skin head. The SS totenkopf is the 3rd ss panzer division and has nothing to do with the sick crimes the totenkofverbande did..
Bull!
All Waffen-SS-Verbände were formed out of the the SS-Verfügungstruppe which went into eastern europe behind the Wehrmacht for "clearing" the conquered territories. Additionally to this stands the fact that guards regularly rotated into frontline Waffen-SS units and vice versa.
You can't seperate the 3. SS-Panzerdivision from the rest of the lot. Not one inch! I have no problem with the poor young guys which got drafted into SS-formations late in the war but the SS in general and with it the whole Waffen-SS was an evil and monstrous organization which isn't changed a bit by some of them fighting well on the frontlines.
I am sorry for having to derail this thread which is meant for humour but I just can't stand people thinking that parts of the SS are somewhat cool. Is it the shiny uniforms? The classic black? Them thinking that they were some kind of elite?
Naming myself SStotenkopf is a bit as if I would myself 9/11 Hijacker and be proud of it.
Time to steer the thread back into what it was really meant for-
Requesting a three day pass
An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.
The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"
So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!
The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"
"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"
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Be loyal to Bangladesh no matter what. We have given blood to earn our freedom and will give more to protect it!
Zane Zelenski joined the army. Since everything in the army is done in alphabetical order, Zane was constantly missing out when the equipment was assigned.
When rifles were being assigned, they ran out. His Sergeant said, "Don't worry,everything is fine and we will never go to war anyway. But for training, here is a broom. Just hold it to your shoulder and yell BANG, that'll do you just fine."
Next came fighting knives, but they ran out. His Sergeant said, "Don't worry,everything is fine and we will never go to war anyway. But for training, here is a stick. Just hold it up and yell STAB STAB, that'll do you just fine."
Next came Grenades, and like before, they ran out. His Sergeant said, "Don't worry,everything is fine and we will never go to war anyway. But for training, here is a twig. Just break off the end, throw it, and yell BOOM, that'll do you just fine."
The next day, war was declared. Zane soon found himself at the front surrounded by his dead comrades.
He saw an enemy crawling toward him so he put the broom to his shoulder, aimed and yelled BANG! His enemy dropped dead.
He saw a machine gun team trying to get their gun into action against him so he grabbed his twig. He broke the end off and threw it at them. He yelled BOOM, and pieces of dead enemy rained across the sky.
He then saw one enemy walking toward him at a deliberate pace.
He aimed his broom and yelled BANG, but it had no affect.
He threw his twig at him and yelled BOOM, dirt flew up but it also appeared to have no affect.
Zane thinks to himself that he needs to go hand to hand to stop this guy, so he jumps up with his stick and stabs at the enemy yelling STAB STAB, and Zane is promptly ground into a bloody pulp under the enemies heels.
The enemy, unaffected, kept moving forward, all the time whispering Tank, Tank, Tank, Tank.
Last edited by PCShogun; September 29th, 2011 at 01:02 PM.
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000. Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
[Mod Edit: Text deleted. The Mod Team is not going to tolerate racism or hero worship of geocidal murderers. There will be no further warning to lucinator, PCShogun or SStotenkop. Especially since both PCShogun and SStotenkop have not responded well to Mod/Webmaster warnings. Further, SStotenkop is required to change his nick or face a perm ban. ]
Mine is based on warriors of Japan. Do I need to change mine also? [Mod Edit: No.
BTW, during WWII members of my family were killed by the Imperial Japanese Army and I'm in no way offended by your handle. So please do not compare your screen name to his. They are different issues.]
The Japanese did some pretty bad stuff during that war also. [Mod Edit: Not relevant to the issue at hand.]
Not my intention to derail the thread or get off topic but I would like to make a brief comment. First of all I think ''SSTotenkopf'' should realise why his choice of an ID would be questionable or distasteful to most. Unlike the other Waffen-SS divisions, the Totenkopf division's initial cadre came almost exclusively from former concentration camp personnel, and so did most of its replacements up to 1943. Its first CO and creator was the head of the concentration camp system and unlike many other Waffen-SS senior officers, some of who were former Heer, Thedor Eicke was an ardent Nazi - the ideal National Socialist.
What I find curious about is, if ''SSTotenkopf'' had chosen the name of a Fallschirmjager division, who's members were photographed smiling whilst executing males over 16 in an olive grove in Crete, would this have led to the same response? If his ID was that of a Heer infantry division, who's members willingly assisted Einsatzsgruppen units in liquidating people, would it have led to a similiar response?
Back to topic - A U.S. pilot climbs in his cockpit and find a sewing pin on the seat. He chucks it out. An Israeli pilot finds the same, he keeps it in case he might need it later. An Russian pilot finds the same, he leaves it as it is, assuming its part of the plane.
From ''The Last Battle'' by Cornelius Ryan. When the Soviets arrive at the gates of Berlin, they will take 3 hours to break through the weak defences. After seeing the state of the defences they will spend 2 and a half hours laughing and half an hour of fighting.
Last edited by OPSSG; August 21st, 2011 at 02:54 AM.
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."
You missed the last part of the joke-
'If it is the National Air Guard, its still a couple of hours till quitting time'
________________
Be loyal to Bangladesh no matter what. We have given blood to earn our freedom and will give more to protect it!
Come back as something else or don't come back at all.
I suggest that you think long and hard about whatever new handle you may choose to use, a "sleight of hand" handle will trigger the same response from the Mod team.
________________ A corollary of Finagle's Law, similar to Occam's Razor, says:
"Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity"
